What Women Get Right in Bed

What Women Get Right in Bed
Warning! Adult Content Ahead

A surprisingly racy little thing for B magazine, in about 2004. Slightly weird situation being the spokesman for an entire gender, if I recall.


A female friend once explained to me her attitude in bed: “I bring along a vagina. What more do they want?” This might be a bit harsh, but there’s one element of truth in it. The main thing women do right in bed is be women.

Guys are very visual. They grow up having epic, ignorant fantasy sex with women they see. They think about almost nothing else, so by the time they actually get to do it, it’s the best thing they’ve ever done. Guaranteed.

It doesn’t matter about your spots or your personality, it matters that you’ve got all the amazing woman-bits they’ve been thinking about. Men get a bit more discerning as they get older, but the mere fact that you are a woman is always the best possible start.

Women do things we don’t expect. Men have got filthy little minds and try to cover it up by smiling and drinking heavily. When they summon up the courage to tell a woman what they’d really like, they’re often amazed she says yes. Surprised and turned on.

A friend once confessed that his “very nice” girlfriend had happily agreed to a bondage and spanking session, while she wore nothing by knee-high boots. All she asked was that he dimmed the lights a little, so it “didn’t seem like a hospital”.

Woman forgive you nearly everything. I once went out with a girl who, years later confessed that before me she’d “hated” hairy chests. She liked me, despite the welcome mat stuck to my front..

There’s a lot of energy spent talking about being fat, bald, too small, too hairy, too cross-eyed, or whatever, but the fact is most women don’t seem to mind what we are. And if they do, they get over it without bothering us about it.

Women give us blow jobs. This is not a useful sexual act; it won’t produce babies. Fifty years ago, if they found out you gave blow jobs, you were drummed out of the knitting circle, if not town.

The very sight of a woman enthusiastically performing such a pointless act for us is a huge turn-on. Add the simple, significant factors of a warm, moist, moving orifice and it’s thumbs up all the way. If you swallow, it completes (in his mind) your acceptance of this stupid, pointless, brilliant manoeuvre.

Women take the initiative. One of the things that surprises many men is that women like sex just as much as they do. To find that our girl is enthusiastically screwing us is a fantastic sensation, and one of the main reasons men date older women who can’t be bothered to wait any more for what they want.

 …and what they get wrong

Hand jobs

If I dedicated myself to anything the way I do to wanking, I would be a world champion at it. Women generally can’t give good hand jobs because they haven’t got the right angle, the endurance, the speed, the rhythm, or the, well, practice. If you have got all this, please write to me enclosing your name and number.

They lack confidence

The sexiest thing around is a confident woman. If you constantly go on about all those (imagined) faults – your frizzy hair, big butt, chunky legs – it doesn’t half ruin the chemistry. I went out with a girl who never ever let me touch her stomach. It was a nice stomach. I liked it. She would still be complaining about it at the height of bloody passion.

They touch our bits with cold hands

On behalf of all men, please don’t do this. Cool hands is ideal; ice cold hands fresh from being, say, washed under tap water… well, why not plug us into the mains and have done with it?

They ask us questions

In bed, women think too much, and men too little. Once a man has had sex, he is like a stunned rhino. It’s no use asking him what he’s thinking, how good it was, or how wonderful and special things are, because there is no-one home. After a period of blissed-out nothingness, he might get an image of a beer in his head.


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