Michelle Guy

A nice chat with a girl who went on to become Miss Universe Australia in 2005, although yet another where the layout’s gone AWOL. Apologies for the lack of visuals. You’ll still read this, though, won’t you? Hmm.

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Michelle is the ultimate fantasy girl: whatever type you’re into, she’s got it going on. Depending on the time of day, she’s a student, a party girl, a shop assistant, a surfie chick, a footy fan, a Miss Indy model… Luckily for us, we got to meet all of them at once.

Are you excited beyond reason by the start of the footy season?

Yeah, I really do enjoy a good football game. The atmosphere, the beer and pies, and all us girls yelling and screaming, going nuts.

What team do you go for?

The Eagles, of course. When I go to games with my girlfriends we like to go all-out and get in the colours.

What player makes you feel all funny?

I like Ben Cousins and all those… types of boys. (Laughs) Insert name there.

Any name?

Any good-looking footy player.

What do you like most: his arse or his running ability?

Um, it’s always fun to see a bunch of guys run around – but it’s good to see a good player. We’ll boo off any player that’s not that good.

Would you ever go out with a player?

I’ve never really gone for football player types. I’ve always liked my surfie boys.

Is it your lifelong dream to own a footy team and make the players do your every bidding?

Not really, no. Although, actually, I can imagine sitting in a nice spa being passed a delicious pina colada by a shorts-clad footy player. Have them cook me food and turn the sausages on the barbie for me…

You want a footy player as a slave?

Yeah, lots of them.

What’s the attraction of blokes on surfboards?

The whole just got out of the sun, surf and sand look. The bronzed, sun-kissed, toned…

You’re just turning yourself on now. Have you got such a bloke?

No.

What’s holding you back? Are you picky?

A little bit. Every girl’s got the right to be, I guess. When it’s there I’ll know I want it, kind of thing.

You’ll just go for it?

Quite often, yes.

Are you a surfie girl?

Yeah, I love to surf. I’ve got two extremes to me. I work in a very fancy clothing store; the next minute I’m down the beach, bummed out, no make-up on, hair everywhere.

Which do you like best?

My bummed-out surfie girl. Mucking around with the boys in the waves. That’s me.

What were you doing when our photographer spotted you?

Um, probably running around on a catwalk in a bikini.

What do you say to killjoys who say Miss Indy’s sexist?

It’s about being yourself and having fun and being young. There’s nothing wrong with getting out in your bikini.

You don’t have to convince me. It’s the feminists.

But it’s great – 10 days and 36 girls…

Again, no argument here. What do you do when you’re not going about in Lycra?

I’m a uni student. I’ve probably spent more time in the uni tavern than I have in my lectures. I just love being there with all my friends.

How did you go from studying to Miss Indy?

I’ve done other comps, so I thought why not give this one a go? I just love the whole going to the Gold Coast with your friends thing. And it’s the only time you really get to see girls from other states.

How do the blokes in the crowd treat you?

(Silence) Um… yes…

You get stuff shouted out, eh?

Yes.

If a bloke shouts out “show us your tits”, have you ever shown them your tits?

Definitely not! I’m just like, “What do you think I’m going to do, just whip them out for you?” I wouldn’t! Never. If a guy just came up to me and said, “Hi, how are you doing, my name’s such-and-such, do you want to go out to lunch?” I’d be, like, “Sure!” But if guys just start yelling out of cars or asking for rude things – get lost.

Right.

Every single girl I know would just say, “Guys, a normal approach would be lovely, thank you.”

Why do blokes ask for things they know they won’t get?

Because they want to see what they can get.

Like tits or something.

They just want a girl to do what they’ve always wanted a girl to do. But girls won’t.

I’ve got a suspicion the irresponsible consumption of alcohol is to blame.

That may have something to do with it.

Fifteen beers on a hot day does funny things to a man.

And when it comes to the opposite sex they freak out.

We need educating up.

That’s where RALPH comes in. You’re like a Bible or something.

Very nearly as important, yes. How come women know more about sex and stuff than men?

Just talking amongst the girls. Guys don’t have their deep and meaningfuls so much. Girls have sleepovers and talk all night.

What about? Sex?

It’s secret women’s business.

I hate that. What is it?

Everything and anything that comes to mind.

Gah. It’s rude stuff, isn’t it? Women are shocking when guys aren’t around.

(Laughs) I don’t know how you mean.

You need to give us your knowledge. We need a school for blokes.

Yeah, we’ll make a big school for them. How to treat women.

And gorgeous models to be the teachers.

Yeah. I think they might pay attention.

Would you be one of the teachers in my school?

That could be interesting. What’s the pay like?

Oh, very good. Would you wear a skimpy outfit or a no-nonsense teacher’s one?

No-nonsense teacher’s, for sure.

That’s no good: everyone just starts mentally undressing you then.

Oh, I think that’s better. The imagination can go crazy.

No-one would pay attention to the lesson.

But if the teacher’s got boobs out that’s all they’ll look at. There’s no way you can win.

How do you want to be famous – proper famous, or reality-TV famous?

I know what you mean. I’d rather have gradual fame, which shows you’ve worked your way there. I wouldn’t want to be famous because I did something stupid or whatever.

Perhaps you’d prefer to be on those shows where they do up your house.

I do watch those, actually.

If someone ruined your lounge for you, could you still pretend to be freaking delighted anyway?

No, I’d say it like it was.

Is that the kind of person you are? Upsetting interior designers?

Oh, not blatantly rude or anything, but there’s no way I could say I liked something if I clearly don’t.

What’s the weirdest fetish you ever heard of?

I read a story in one of those girls’ magazines of how some guy really wanted to be in a room full of balloons.

Maybe he had a good balloon experience as a child.

I think feet fetish is a bit weird.

Really?

They smell. They’re the ugliest part of the body.

What’s the best part of the body?

A smile.

A smile. Are your folks listening in? You should say “arse”.

I’m not that naughty. I’m not publicly naughty.

Publicly?

Yeah, I don’t want a big quote saying I like arses.

You just want smiles.

(Laughing) And world peace.

What else?

I get drawn in by eyes, and nice hair. And an overall… warmth… kind of thing.

Is it true girls scope out guys just as much as vice versa?

Absolutely – sometimes maybe even more.

It’s not fair. Guys get caught out looking at girls…

Girls are far more discreet.

That’s cos they’ve got better peripheral vision. By the time I’ve seen you you’ve already seen me.

Yes.

But women think it’s funny when guys look at them.

I know. But girls in groups are the same. One of us will notice a guy and then the rest of us will look him over.

What are you saying to each other?

“Oh my God, look at that… ” I’m sure it’s much the same as what guys are like.

But then it’s up to the guy to do something about it.

Of course. But it depends on the type of girl I suppose, though.

Why do guys have to make the first move?

It’s that old male, macho, superhero thing.

It’s very scary is what it is. Are you nice to guys?

I like to have a chat, but if a guy starts to come out with cheesy one-liners and pick-up lines…

Have you already made a decision by the time a guy says hi?

Very rarely. I like to wait until he says something. If it sounds good then that’s fine by me.

If you like him, what are your giveaways?

Eye-fluttering and smiling.

Eye-fluttering?

Yeah, the old body language.

Sounds like a fit. Whatever it is…

They can’t read it!

That’s right.

We have to make it absolutely obvious that we like them – stare at them or brush past them.

What don’t you like in a bloke?

I don’t like guys that are too outwardly confident. I don’t like cockiness at all. A little bit of cheekiness is nice.

Done anything shocking lately?

I got kicked out of a pub for turning the beer taps on last weekend (laughs).

Your olds must be really ashamed.

They don’t know that. I was the only one at the bar, too, so everyone saw me. Including the bouncers, so I got kicked out.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word “sex”?

Um, that not everyone needs to know what I’m thinking.

Uh-huh. What about when I say “traffic lights”?

A party. A traffic light party.

What?

They’re the best thing. If you’re single you wear green; if you’re kind of seeing someone but not sure you wear orange; and if you’re taken you wear red.

OK, last, simple question: are you sexually attracted to women?

No! I love boys. I’m passionate about boys.

I’ll put down “not sure”.

No!

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